I’m headed to New England with the kids to visit the grandparents. If I EVER finish packing, that is. How can 3 people require so much luggage?! Please enjoy this piece from my archives. And if you’ve got any teens you’d like to scare celibate, send ‘em to my house.
The Cure for Teen Pregnancy
I must have jinxed myself, because I was JUST thinking how Miles has never really embarrassed me before in public. I mean, we’ve had some tense moments in Target, but he’s never said, “Mom, why is that lady so fat?” or “Don’t make me sit next to that scary man!” in church or anything.
Well. Then we went to the playground today. It’s a little one near our house that’s usually deserted, and we go there when we need to kill an hour before dinner. So we show up, and there’s this teenage couple canoodling on top of one of the play structures. I mean, they were in broad daylight and weren’t licking each other’s faces, but they were obviously trying to have a moment, if you know what I mean.
And then WE showed up. “Hi!!” shouts Miles, running over. Faint greetings from the teen lovers. “I’m 3. We’re making a pie. My dad’s getting a haircut. He should be home soon. My favorite toy is my spaceship. It’s in my room. I have a really cool room. It’s messy sometimes. My favorite color is green.” And on and on and ON.
OMG. You’d think the lustful teens would be the ones who were embarrassed, but no. That’d be me. “Miles! Come over here and leave them alone.” He did, for a few minutes, before running back over to play an annoying extended game of peekaboo with the poor, privacy-starved couple.
Meanwhile, I’m chasing Riley around trying to keep him from eating wood chips. “He’s so cuuuuute,” I heard the teen girl say to her beau. Cut to me, shouting, “Riley, NO! Yuck! Don’t eat that!” I pick dirt and bits of wood out of his mouth, then turn back to Miles who’s bellowing to his new friends, “I’m wearing my new boots! I like Spiderman. And I like Batman, too. I got a pock-sicle today. It was green. Green’s my favorite color.”
Now, these teenagers must REALLY have had no other place to go, because they continued to sit on top of the slide even while being badgered by the world’s most talkative preschooler. I finally gave up trying to distract him. Besides, I was too busy keeping his baby brother from taking a header down the stairs and ingesting his body weight in sand.
“See kids? THIS is what can happen if you have unprotected sex!” I was practically broadcasting by my very PRESENCE. Do you think the teen couple took note? Nah, they were too busy giggling and gazing into each other’s eyes. Ah, young love.
Hopefully our little interaction on the playground jolted them into behaving responsibly and considering the consequences of their (potential) actions. Yeah, right. I’m sure once me and my double stroller were out of sight they were like, let the canoodling commence! OK, kids. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.