Hi, my name is Abby and I’ll be your server today. Can I start you off with some drinks? Water or milk? And you’d like that in the green cup with an orange straw? Certainly, sir. And for the other gentleman?
Before I tell you the specials, may I ask if you finished your lunch at school today? May I see your lunch box to confirm that? We have a zero-waste policy here at Mom’s, so I’m afraid I can’t serve you any additional snacks until I’m sure you’re eating your meals. Thanks for your understanding.
Ok, then, here’s the menu. I’ll check back with you in a few minutes.
MOM’S ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT AFTER-SCHOOL SNACK BUFFET
“Spoiling dinner since 2006!”
Apple slices with peanut butter
(peel removed reluctantly upon request)
Snapea Crisps ™ lightly salted green pea crisps
(probably the closest thing to a vegetable that will pass your lips today)
(probably the only form of protein that will pass your lips today)
Here you are, sirs. Enjoy!
What’s that? You’re still hungry? I can offer you pretzels, Goldfish, or popcorn as your second course. Yes, cheese popcorn. No, we don’t have S’mores Goldfish, I’m afraid. No sour cream and onion potato chips, either. I know you saw some in the kitchen, but those are not on the menu, they are only for Mom’s management. And may I ask, what were you doing climbing on the kitchen counter, anyway? If you could please stay seated, sir, I’d appreciate it.
You’re STILL hungry? I can give you a few more pretzels and apple slices, OK? No, we do not have Gatorade. No cookies, either. Do you need another napkin? I see you’re wiping orange cheese dust on your shirt. And your seat. And you’ve spilled your milk. Again.
You’re STILL hungry?! I’m sorry, but it’s getting close to dinner time. The snack buffet is closing. No, dinner service doesn’t start for an hour, at least. Sir – please – stop the tantrum. SIR!! I’m going to have to ask you to leave. What’s that? The other gentleman is still hungry, too? You’re STARVING? Even though you just consumed pretty much the entire contents of Mom’s pantry and we just got a food delivery yesterday?!
OK, fine. But no more snacks. Dinner at 4:30pm, it is. Tonight, we have spaghetti and meatballs with a side of baby carrots . . .
(P.S. They better leave me a BIG tip!)