The Amazingly True and Alarmingly Irrational Tales of an Almost 3-Year-Old

by Abby on January 27, 2012

Don't mess with me!My kid is kicking my ass, people. I am outwitted, outraged, and practically outweighed by my toddler daily. It’s not only embarrassing, it’s infuriating. And also, exhausting. I read parenting books. I know parenting experts. This is my second kid, for Pete’s sake! It’s not like I just fell off the turnip truck. But still…STILL. This kid has me over a barrel and he knows it.

The other morning he flew into a raging tantrum over some perceived infraction that I still can’t pinpoint. Was it because I had the audacity to request that he put on pants for preschool? Did he want that last congealed bite of cold oatmeal before I took his bowl away? Was he upset that I turned off Mickey Mouse Clubhouse before the final note of “The Hotdog Song”? Who knows. For whatever reason, he worked himself up into a sweaty, screaming mess 5 min. before we had to leave for school.

As much as I hate to admit this, my kid is stronger than me. Yep, a tiny tot who still wears diapers can overpower a 30-something woman who lifts weights and works out regularly. Of course, he fights dirty. He’ll kick you in the teeth or bite you if he has to. Parenting experts and our pediatrician tell me to walk away, ignore him. I try, but he chases after me to kick me in the shins. Oh, yeah: he’s fast, too. And he has good aim. I have the bruises to prove it.

And it’s not just physical. This kid practices psychological warfare, too. He’s not above fake crying and dramatically throwing himself to the ground in public. For people who don’t know him, it’s alarming. I mean, I know I’d be concerned if I saw a small child in a size-3T ski parka lying barefoot on the sidewalk and wailing like he was being stuck with a hot poker. If I didn’t know the drama was all a big act to show Mommy what he thinks about having to wear boots.

Here are some other memorable incidents featuring my “spirited” second child:

– He once licked a trash can at a supermarket. I can’t even begin to speculate why.

– He picked up a cigarette butt off the sidewalk and put it in his mouth.

– He grabbed my wine glass even though he knows it’s “just for grownups,” took a swig, and spit it out, spraying red wine everywhere.

– He dragged my suitcase out of the closet to play “vacation.” In an inside pocket, he found a bottle of infant Tylenol I’d forgotten was in there, and drank half of it.

– If he gets a drop of liquid anywhere on his clothes – juice dribbled down his front, a shirt cuff that gets wet – he strips off his clothing immediately. ALL of it, and his diaper too.

– He once threw his grapes on the ground and then stomped on them, smearing sticky juice everywhere, as if he were making wine on my kitchen floor. Which, come to think of it, isn’t a bad idea.

– He did something else on my kitchen floor, which is so horrific I will refer to it only as a Code Brown. In his defense, this may truly have been an accident with no malicious intent. But still.

I tell you, if I didn’t love this kid so darn much, I would have “forgotten” him at the babysitter’s long ago. But I have a feeling he’d still have tracked me down. He’s got a scary-accurate ability to follow a scent. Especially if it’s candy.

LINK O’ THE DAY: Maybe it was my mood, but I found this hilarious. Warning: contains “coarse” language, but totally appropriate in context: 9 Things I Learned In The Parent Encouragement Program, AKA Sh*tty Parents Anonymous. Thanks to my SIL for sending it to me!

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Lou Mello January 27, 2012 at 9:08 am

Your only hope is that he’ll grow out of it sooner rather than later. It is so strange how kids can have such different personalities and be so head strong. Of course, you could tell him you’ll put him in the freezer until he’s five unless he stops his antics. That ruse worked for my daughter when she was 10. Told her she was going in the freezer until she turned 18.


Abby January 27, 2012 at 4:17 pm

The freezer, eh? He might call my bluff. There are popsicles in there. 🙂


Ali/Alessa January 27, 2012 at 9:24 am

OMG, I’m so sorry to laugh at your expense, but this was a funny post. I can’t believe I actually knew what you were talking about when you mentioned Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and the “Hotdog Song”, as my guy’s not even 6mo and loves it.

Book #2 material?


Abby January 27, 2012 at 4:17 pm

You know it! That’s what keeps me going: all the writing material.


Kathleen Basi January 27, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I couldn’t laugh at this one, it made me too queasy. I’m so sorry! And I, too, can only hope & pray he grows out of it!


Abby January 27, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Trash cans, cig butts & poop? Queasy? And you call yourself a mom! 😉


Kory Dowe January 27, 2012 at 9:54 pm

You are hilarious! However I laugh with you as only another Mother could. I have a nearly 18mo old daugter and every day is a new adventure with things she’s learning or getting into, though not to this extreme (i hope never). As a new mom I find comfort in your stories and really enjoy the way you write. I’ve only just recently started my blog and i’m far from a creative writer, but I have a good idea every now & again. So stay strong on the “Mommy Battlefield”. I look forward to future reads! 🙂


Abby January 29, 2012 at 10:09 am

Thanks, Kory! Glad to meet a new blogger and mom. 🙂


Malia Jacobson January 27, 2012 at 11:06 pm

I’m constantly amazed at the sheer physical strength of my kids. All that “healthy food” we manage to trick them into eating backfires on us, I think–turns them into pure muscle. My 2yo goes into alligator barrel-roll mode at diaper change time. It’s like she majored in barrel-rolling at toddler college. She’s an expert. Sigh. HANG IN THERE and enjoy your weekend. Sounds like a big glass of wine is in order!


Abby January 29, 2012 at 10:10 am

“Alligator barrel-roll” – LOL! Yep, I know that move.


Lea January 28, 2012 at 12:19 am

My son is 4.5, and we went through SO much when he was 3 (and still are some days, truth be told). I could only commiserate with you while reading this and also wish I could send you a tranquilizer (or 100) to survive the next year!


Abby January 29, 2012 at 10:10 am

Wait, is the tranquilizer for me or for him? 😉


Angie Mizzell January 28, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Seriously Abby. Get it together. You can NOT turn off the TV before the Hot Dog song is completely over and they have started the preview for the next show. Haven’t you learned anything? 🙂

And I agree. Sounds like you’re getting a good toddler ass kicking. And he’s too stinkin’ cute.


Abby January 29, 2012 at 10:11 am

I know, rookie move. When will I learn?!


jetts31 January 28, 2012 at 10:32 pm

This is why parents should be paid for their work. Next time he throws a fit, you throw one too. Then again he’ll probably get a kick out of it and do it just to see you throw a fit. Try medication…for you (like more wine).


Angie Mizzell January 28, 2012 at 11:52 pm

I’ve tried this (fit throwing) and it works. They just stop and stare and sometimes start laughing.


Abby January 29, 2012 at 10:12 am

I’ve tried it, too! It does break the tension, but it’s a little embarrassing if you’re, say, in the middle of the grocery store.


Pam @ You Are Kidding Me! January 29, 2012 at 10:45 pm

My son is now 6, but when he just turned 3, he was just like this. I lovingly referred to him as Satan’s offspring. He had me in tears almost every night, curling myself fetal in a corner. The good news? It only lasted about 3 months. The bad news? It lasted 3 months. That’s approximately 90 days. 90 lonngg days. Best of luck.


Abby January 30, 2012 at 1:31 pm

LOL! I find that some people look at you funny when you refer to your child as “Satan’s offspring,” do you?


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