The Amazingly True and Alarmingly Irrational Tales of an Almost 3-Year-Old

My kid is kicking my ass, people. I am outwitted, outraged, and practically outweighed by my toddler daily. It’s not only embarrassing, it’s infuriating. And also, exhausting. I read parenting books. I know parenting experts. This is my second kid, for Pete’s sake! It’s not like I just fell off the turnip truck. But still…STILL. This kid has me over a barrel and he knows it.

The other morning he flew into a raging tantrum over some perceived infraction that I still can’t pinpoint. Was it because I had the audacity to request that he put on pants for preschool? Did he want that last congealed bite of cold oatmeal before I took his bowl away? Was he upset that I turned off Mickey Mouse Clubhouse before the final note of “The Hotdog Song”? Who knows. For whatever reason, he worked himself up into a sweaty, screaming mess 5 min. before we had to leave for school.

As much as I hate to admit this, my kid is stronger than me. Yep, a tiny tot who still wears diapers can overpower a 30-something woman who lifts weights and works out regularly. Of course, he fights dirty. He’ll kick you in the teeth or bite you if he has to. Parenting experts and our pediatrician tell me to walk away, ignore him. I try, but he chases after me to kick me in the shins. Oh, yeah: he’s fast, too. And he has good aim. I have the bruises to prove it.

And it’s not just physical. This kid practices psychological warfare, too. He’s not above fake crying and dramatically throwing himself to the ground in public. For people who don’t know him, it’s alarming. I mean, I know I’d be concerned if I saw a small child in a size-3T ski parka lying barefoot on the sidewalk and wailing like he was being stuck with a hot poker. If I didn’t know the drama was all a big act to show Mommy what he thinks about having to wear boots.

Here are some other memorable incidents featuring my “spirited” second child:

– He once licked a trash can at a supermarket. I can’t even begin to speculate why.

– He picked up a cigarette butt off the sidewalk and put it in his mouth.

– He grabbed my wine glass even though he knows it’s “just for grownups,” took a swig, and spit it out, spraying red wine everywhere.

– He dragged my suitcase out of the closet to play “vacation.” In an inside pocket, he found a bottle of infant Tylenol I’d forgotten was in there, and drank half of it.

– If he gets a drop of liquid anywhere on his clothes – juice dribbled down his front, a shirt cuff that gets wet – he strips off his clothing immediately. ALL of it, and his diaper too.

– He once threw his grapes on the ground and then stomped on them, smearing sticky juice everywhere, as if he were making wine on my kitchen floor. Which, come to think of it, isn’t a bad idea.

– He did something else on my kitchen floor, which is so horrific I will refer to it only as a Code Brown. In his defense, this may truly have been an accident with no malicious intent. But still.

I tell you, if I didn’t love this kid so darn much, I would have “forgotten” him at the babysitter’s long ago. But I have a feeling he’d still have tracked me down. He’s got a scary-accurate ability to follow a scent. Especially if it’s candy.

LINK O’ THE DAY: Maybe it was my mood, but I found this hilarious. Warning: contains “coarse” language, but totally appropriate in context: 9 Things I Learned In The Parent Encouragement Program, AKA Sh*tty Parents Anonymous. Thanks to my SIL for sending it to me!