I’ll Give You $5 to Stop Talking to Mommy

by Abby on September 16, 2013

BoywMegaphoneI know this is hard to believe if you have a small, non-verbal baby or a taciturn teenager at your house, but there are times when I fear my ears might literally start bleeding, my kids talk so much. The other day my 4yo chattered incessantly from the moment he woke up to the moment — much, much later — when he finally fell asleep, mid-sentence. You would think he would lose his voice before that, but you’d be wrong.

7am: “Mom, I’m pretending I’m a Power Ranger, the blue one not the red one, and I have laser swords that can battle bad guys and you be the bad guy, OK, Mom, and I’m gonna fight you with my laser sword and blast you into outer space and then I transform into an alien sword fighter, Mom, and you pretend to be a bad-guy alien and we’ll fight each other with our space swords and go like this — bzzzrrppp, zap, chugachugachuga, bzzzzzrrrrrpppp, BLAM! — and then you go like this, Mom, OK? And — Mom! Mom! MOMMM!!!”

This continues through breakfast, before preschool, on the way to preschool, AT preschool, I would imagine, at pickup, through lunch, through the afternoon and evening. You can’t ignore it, so I don’t even try to skate by with a noncommittal “Um, hmmm, sweetie. That’s nice,” because he will sniff out any lack of enthusiasm and pepper me with verbal and physical jabs, if necessary, until he is SURE he has my FULL and COMPLETE attention. And at TOP VOLUME, mind you. “Indoor voices” mean nothing to my kids.

After, oh, maybe 7 or 8 hours of this verbal assault, I can get a little crabby. “Sweetie. Listen. I need you to PLEASE STOP TALKING. For 5 min., at least. Just so I can make this phone call, OK?” Or hear myself think!! This doesn’t work, though. If anything, it makes it worse. Cue the whining. And hollering and wailing, even. It’s such a shame my kids are so neglected. A mother who dares ask to go into the bathroom by herself without a running commentary?!

As excruciating as this is to experience, it’s even more excruciating to watch when my sons are trying to talk to their dad, because dads somehow possess a gene that allows them to tune out their offspring. It’s probably biological, like how moms are programmed to snap bolt upright out of a deep sleep at the slightest whimper from their baby while dad slumbers away, blissfully unaware. I can listen to this for maybe 30 seconds, tops:

“Dad, can I have some more milk, please? Dad? Dad! Daddy! DAAAADDD!!”

…before I snap: “Honey, can you PLEASE acknowledge your son?! He’s trying to get your attention!”

Dad: “Huh? Was somebody talking to me?”

As I am writing this, my children are in bed at last. I hear nothing but the chirping of crickets outside and the tapping of my keyboard. Oh, and the ringing in my ears, still echoing with shouts of “Mooooommmm!”

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Kir September 16, 2013 at 9:00 am

Oh, have you been talking to Giovanni and Jacob?
I read this, laughed, nodded , shook my head in empathy for you and came over to just offer you a “I’m there too!!! How about we offer then $10???”

the mid sentence stop is so familiar…they fall asleep still talking..to each other, to me, to themselves. LOL.

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Abby September 16, 2013 at 2:09 pm

Glad you can relate! Maybe we should invest in some earmuffs. 😉

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Kathy at kissing the frog September 16, 2013 at 10:24 am

This is my 5 year old. Boy #4, he is sooooo loud, and talks constantly. We have to tell him to be quiet all the time. He is in kindergarten now, and he has gotten in trouble so many times for talking. All the kids talk, but he is so loud and he has such a distinctive raspy voice that the teachers can pick him out over everyone.

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Abby September 16, 2013 at 2:10 pm

My 4yo has a raspy voice, too! Maybe because of his nonstop talking? 🙂

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Kathleen Basi September 18, 2013 at 6:19 pm

I wonder if it’s something about the age of 4? Mine’s like that, too! I always feel ashamed for the huge relief I feel when the doors close and they are done talking for the night!

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Abby September 19, 2013 at 10:24 am

I do think it’s the age because I remember this with my first son. Of course we love them to bits but dear God, I also love that glorious silence at the end of the day!

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