When You Don’t Follow the Crowd

by Abby on April 22, 2013

Grimm's Fairy TalesWhen I was a freshman in college, I – like everybody else – asked around to find out what were the best classes and professors. I remember there was one course in particular that sounded really interesting to me, a comparative literature class studying the themes of the Grimm Brothers fairy tales.

Word around campus was that the professor, an older German gentleman, was tough. There were no easy A’s, and a lot of reading. Also, his class met before 10am, making him even more unpopular among the undergrad set. Little did we know that someday we’d be awakened daily before dawn by damp toddlers demanding Cheerios.

Anyway, I wasn’t dissuaded. I took the course and loved it. The professor asked me to be his teaching assistant the following year, which was unusual for a sophomore. I think of the experience often, and not just when I read my kids bedtime stories. (The edited versions, that is. In case you didn’t know, the Grimm Brothers’ gruesome fairy tales are about as far from Disney as Pitbull is from the Vienna Boys’ Choir.)

I think about that class when I need a reminder that just because everyone else dislikes something — or likes it — doesn’t mean that’s true for me. It’s easy to get caught up in that herd mentality, especially as a parent. Everyone is having birthday parties at a certain venue, so it must be the best place. Everyone else is against public schools, so I guess we’d better look into private, too. Everyone else says this pediatrician’s the best and that summer camp’s the worst, and they all seem so SURE of everything and I’m not, so I guess I’d better follow the crowd.

Except there have been plenty of times that I haven’t, like that college course, and I’ve been glad. I’ve come to admire people who have the courage to go against the grain, stand out from the crowd. The popular belief is that small children are wonderful and teenagers are horrible, right? At least that’s what those “enjoy this time because just you wait” people would have us believe. But a mom once told me she cherishes the relationship with her teens because they no longer need her to tend to their every physical need and have become great company. I love that.

Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, has said she often has to remind herself that just because something is fun for other people, doesn’t mean it’s fun for you. Like gardening. Or spinning. Or watching American Idol. Or making elaborate educational collages with your children to celebrate Earth Day.

BTW, there was a great essay in Redbook recently about a mom who confesses that while she loves her kids more than anything, she hates playing with them. In fact, she would rather get a bikini wax than play Candyland. Ha! I can relate – I will read books and do puzzles till the cows come home, but PLEASE don’t ask me to play Pokemon.

Anyway, the point is, be true to yourself. It’s OK to like stuff that other people don’t, and vice versa. Instead of being afraid you’ll be sorry for not following the crowd, think about what you might miss if you do. Like the chance to analyze very disturbing children’s stories with an old German dude.

READ O’ THE DAY: I really like Kristin van Ogtrop, the editor of Real Simple. I’ve read her book, Just Let Me Lie Down: Necessary Terms for the Half-Insane Working Mom, and I always enjoy her letters from the editor in the magazine. Here’s a version of the one in the current issue, her response to Sheryl Sandberg’s ubiquitous book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead.

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Kris-Ann April 22, 2013 at 3:28 pm

I was just thinking this morning how I should write a post about not liking to play with my kids. So glad I’m not alone in that.

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Kathleen Basi April 23, 2013 at 8:40 am

This is such a great post…and I loathe playing, too! Play-haters unite!

In all seriousness, we’re in the middle of a long discernment whether to try to move our daughter (who has Down syndrome, in case someone other than Abby happens to read this) from the public school to the Catholic school where her brother goes. For us and for most of our crowd it’s a no-brainer decision; if they can take her, do it! Especially because the public school we live in is not well-regarded around town. And yet I have been floored by the quality of what goes on there. I don’t know what people are talking about. So yes, I get this!

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Abby April 23, 2013 at 10:16 am

Hi, Kate! Good to “see” you. I was thinking of you recently when I read a good book review about “The Shape of the Eye,” by George Estreich. Have you heard of it?

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Abby April 23, 2013 at 10:15 am

The funny thing is, reading that essay I kept thinking, “Wow, this mom’s brave to admit that.” I feared for the backlash! People can be so judgy.

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Corey Feldman April 23, 2013 at 5:51 pm

So true. There is something to be said for the road less traveled.

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jetts31 April 25, 2013 at 8:42 am

I do my best to avoid the crowd. In fact, reading this made me think of the poem,
“…Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

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Abby April 25, 2013 at 8:33 pm

That Robert Frost knew what he was talking about.

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Courtney April 25, 2013 at 9:58 am

Love this, and am glad Angie Mizzell directed me to you via Facebook this morning 🙂 I was thinking about this just yesterday, often in regards to parenting, but yesterday it was about working out. I am not a spinner (like you said above) and to be honest, the only way I will exercise is if I can do something else I enjoy at the same time – like catch up with a friend or read. Mostly, I get on a machine with my kindle and I love it. Just because everyone else is heading in to spin and I’m left out front with the old ladies doesn’t mean I need to change what actually works for me. Small example, but still – little ways of being true to ourselves have a tendency to play out in bigger decisions down the road. Thanks for the encouragement!

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Abby April 25, 2013 at 8:32 pm

Hi, Courtney! Thanks for stopping by. That is a great example. I mostly go to the gym to read, too. 🙂

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Anitra November 8, 2016 at 12:10 am

Hey, that’s the greeatst! So with ll this brain power AWHFY?

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http://www./ November 24, 2016 at 6:21 pm

AFJ. Because of the success of the first Faerie Path trilogy, the publishers asked me if I’d like to write another three books. The Charmed Return is the final book in this second trilogy – and right now I have no plans to write any more, and the publishers have not asked for any more. But I never say never!

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http://www.einfacherkreditvergleich.info/ December 25, 2016 at 11:25 am

As a Celtics fan, we see you as a huge rival and the taunting and stuff is all in fun. Sort of like some of the comments you see here or on lakersground.

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